A Bit of Humor and other Good Stuff

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The Pentagon announced today the formation of a new 500-man elite fighting unit called the "United States Redneck Special Forces".

These Alabama, Arkansas, Georgia, Kentucky, Mississippi, Missouri, Oklahoma, Tennessee and Texas boys will be dropped off into Iraq and have been given only the following facts about terrorists:

1. The season opened today.
2. There is no limit.
3. They taste just like chicken.
4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music, or Jesus.
5. They are DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE for the death of Dale Earnhardt.

We expect the problem in Iraq to be over by Friday.



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HOW TO INSTALL A HOME SECURITY SYSTEM--TENNESSEE STYLE

1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work boots.

2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo Magazine.

3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.

4. Leave a note on your door that reads:

Hey Bubba,

Me, Big Jim, Duke and Slim went for more ammunition. Back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls, they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up real bad. I don't think Killer took part in it but it was hard to tell from all the blood. Anyway, I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait outside.

Cooter
****************************
Ron, a 9-year old boy, was being raised by his mother who didn't know how to
cope with his uncontrollable temper. She knew he was angry that his father
had abandoned him and she tried professional counseling, but nothing seemed
to work.

So she sent Ron to spend the summer on his grandparent's farm. When he came
home, he was a changed boy. His mom asked him what happened and he told her
that every time he got mad or said anything unkind, Grandpa made him go
outside and hammer a big two-inch nail into a two by four. It was hard, and
he wasn't allowed back until the nail was all the way in.

After about 20 trips to the shed to get the tools, he decided it was easier
to control his temper than hammer those long nails.

"Did you change because you hated the consequences so much?" she asked.

"Well, that was part of it," he said. "After I'd nailed in all the nails and
was behaving better, Grandma took me outside and made me pull them out. That
was even harder. When I was done, she gave me this note."

He showed it to her, and this is what she read:

"Pulling out the nails is like saying you're sorry. But the holes still
remain in the board. You can't fix things by being sorry, but you can stop
making new holes. Remember, every time you do something mean and nasty,
you're making a hole somewhere in someone. That's what your dad did to you.
Please don't do it to anyone else. You're better than that."

****************************

Crabby Old Man

GOOD FOR ALL OF US WHO HAVE ELDERLY PARENTS, GRANDPARENTS AND WHERE WE MAY BE SOMETIME IN THE FUTURE.

When an old man died in the geriatric ward of a
small hospital near Tampa, Florida, it was believed
that he had nothing left of any value. Later, when
the nurses were going through his meager
possessions, they found this poem. Its quality and
content so impressed the staff that copies were made
and distributed to every nurse in the hospital. One
nurse took her copy to Missouri. The old man's sole
bequest to posterity has since appeared in the
Christmas edition of the News Magazine of the
St. Louis Association for Mental Health. A slide
presentation has also been made based on his
simple, but eloquent, poem.

And this little old man, with nothing left to give to
the world, is now the author of this "anonymous"
poem winging across the Internet.


Crabby Old Man

What do you see nurses? .... What do you see?
What are you thinking ...... when you're looking at me?
A crabby old man, .... not very wise,
Uncertain of habit ....... with faraway eyes?

Who dribbles his food ....... and makes no reply.
When you say in a loud voice, ..... "I do wish you'd try!"
Who seems not to notice ... the things that you do.
And forever is losing .............. a sock or shoe?

Who, resisting or not ........... lets you do as you will,
With bathing and feeding ....... the long day to fill?
Is that what you're thinking? ..... Is that what you see?
Then open your eyes, nurse .... you're not looking at me.

I'll tell you who I am ....... as I sit here so still,
As I do at your bidding, ....... as I eat at your will.
I'm a small child of ten ...... with a father and mother,
Brothers and sister ..... who love one another

A young boy of sixteen ........... with wings on his feet
Dreaming that soon now .......... a lover he'll meet.
A groom soon at twenty ......... my heart gives a leap.
Remembering, the vows ....... that I promised to keep.

At twenty-five, now .......... I have young of my own.
Who need me to guide ........ and a secure happy home.
A man of thirty ........ my young now grown fast,
Bound to each other ........ with ties that should last.

At forty, my young sons ........ have grown and are gone,
But my woman's beside me ........ to see I don't mourn.
At fifty, once more, .......... babies play 'round my knee,
Again, we know children ......... my loved one and me.

Dark days are upon me ........ my wife is now dead.
I look at the future ............. I shudder with dread.
For my young are all rearing ........ young of their own.
And I think of the years ...... and the love that I've known.

I'm now an old man ......... and nature is cruel.
'Tis jest to make old age ....... look like a fool.
The body, it crumbles .......... grace and vigor, depart.
There is now a stone ......... where I once had a heart.

But inside this old carcass ...... a young guy still dwells,
And now and again ....... my battered heart swells.
I remember the joys ............. I remember the pain.
And I'm loving and living ............. life over again.

I think of the years ... all too few ...... gone too fast.
And accept the stark fact ........ that nothing can last.
So open your eyes, people .......... open and see.
Not a crabby old man. Look closer .... see ........ ME!!

Remember this poem when you next meet an
older person who you might brush aside without
looking at the young soul within.....we will all,
one day, be there, too!


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A Montana cowboy was overseeing his herd in a remote
mountainous pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW
advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray
Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and
asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows
and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then
looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers,
"Sure, Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook
computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone,
and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls
up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix
on his location which he then feeds to another NASA
satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution
photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe
Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility
in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an
email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed
and the data stored.

He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC
connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry
and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his
hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns
to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows
and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,"
says the cowboy.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and
looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk
of his car.

Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell
you exactly what your business is, will you give me back
my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says,
" Okay, why not?"

You're a Congressman for the U.S Government, says the
cowboy.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you
guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up
here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for
an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked.
You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are;
and you don't know a thing about cows...this here is a
herd of sheep!

Now give me back my dang dog.

**********************************************
Bee Sting Cure
(I haven't tried this, but these people seem to attract bees like honey!)

A couple of weeks ago I was unfortunate enough to get stung by both a bee and hornet while working in the garden. My arm swelled up so off to the doctor I went. The clinic gave me cream and an antihistimine.

The next day the swelling was getting progressively worse so off to my regular doctor I went.

Infected arm - needed an antibiotic. What was interesting is what the Dr. told me. The next time you get stung put a penny on the bite for 15 minutes. I thought, wow next time (if there ever is one) I will try it.

Well that night Shelley's niece got stung by two bees. When she came over to swim I looked at the bite and it had already started to swell. So off I went to get my money. Taped a penny to her arm for 15 minutes. The next morning, there was no sign of a bite. Wow, were we surprised. Her niece, we decided, just wasn't allergic to the sting.

Well guess what happened again on Saturday night. I was helping Shelley deadhead her flowers and guess what? You are right, I got stung again two times by a hornet on my left hand. Was I ticked. I thought, here I go again having to go to the doctor for yet another antibiotic.

Well I promptly went into the house, again got my money out, and taped two pennies to my bites and then sat and sulked for 15 minutes. The penny took the string out of the bite immediately.

I still wasn't sure what was going to happen. In the meantime the hornets were attacking Shelley and she got stung on the thumb. Again the penny.

The next morning I could only see the spot where he had stung me. No redness, no swelling. Went over the see Shelley and hers was the same. Couldn't even tell where she got stung. Then Shelley got stung again on Monday night on her back---cutting the grass.

This penny thing is going to make us money at school. Again it worked.

Just wanted to share the marvelous information in case any of you are experiencing the same problem at home. We need to have a stock of pennies on hand at school and at home.

The Dr. said somehow the copper in the penny counteracts the bite. I would never had believed it. But it definitely does work.

So remember this little bit of wisdom and pass it on to your friends, children, grandchildren, etc.

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The Pasta Diet and Your Health


ITALIAN PASTA DIET -- IT REALLY WORKS !!

1.. You walka pasta da bakery.

2.. You walka pasta da candy store.

3.. You walka pasta da Ice Cream shop.

4... You walka pasta da table and fridge.

You will lose weight!

AND......

CONCERNED ABOUT TOO MANY CARBS IN YOUR DIET?

For those of you who watch what you eat,
here's the final word on nutrition and health.
It's a relief to know the truth
after all those conflicting
nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than
Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION

Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

__________________________________________________


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Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely.

So, God asked him, "What's wrong with you?"

Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.

God said that He was going to make Adam a companion
and that it would be a woman.
He said, "This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you,
and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you.
She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you,
and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement.
She will praise you!
She will bear your children. and never ask you to get up in the middle of the
night to take care of them.
"She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and
passion whenever you need it."

Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"

God replied, "An arm and a leg."

Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"

Of course the rest is history......................

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Thanks Mom & Dad

The other day, someone at a store in our town read that a
Methamphetamine lab had been found in an old farmhouse in the adjoining
county and he asked me a rhetorical question.

"Why didn't we have a drug problem when you and I were growing up?"

I replied that I had a drug problem when I was young:
I was drug to church on Sunday morning.
I was drug to church for weddings and funerals.
I was drug to family reunions and community socials no matter the
weather.
I was drug by my ears when I was disrespectful to adults
I was also drug to the woodshed when I disobeyed my parents, told a
lie, brought home a bad report card, did not speak with respect, spoke ill
of the teacher or the preacher, or if I didn't put forth my best effort in
everything that was asked of me.
I was drug to the kitchen sink to have my mouth washed out with soap
if I uttered a profanity.
I was drug out to pull weeds in Mom's garden and flower beds and
cockleburs out of Dad's fields.
I was drug to the homes of family, friends and neighbors to help out
some poor soul who had no one to mow the yard, repair the clothesline, or
chop some firewood; and, if my Mother had ever known that I took a single
dime as a tip for this kindness, she would have drug me back to the
woodshed.

Those drugs are still in my veins and they affect my behavior in
everything I do, say or think. They are stronger than cocaine, crack, or
heroin; and, if some of today's children had this kind of drug problem,
America would be a better place.

God bless the parents who drugged us!

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To All the "Sweet Taters" in My Life.

http://www.frontiernet.net/~jimdandy/specials/sweettators/

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George Carlin:

How often do you let other people's nonsense change your mood? Do you let a bad driver, rude waiter, curt boss, or an insensitive employee ruin your day? Unless you're the Terminator, for an instant you're probably set back on your heels. However, the mark of a successful person is how quickly they can re-focus on what's important.

Twenty-two years ago I learned this lesson. I learned it in the back of a Philadelphia taxi. Here's what happened. I hopped in a taxi, and we took off for Reading Terminal. We were driving in the right lane when all of a sudden a black car jumped out of a parking space right in front of us. My taxi driver slammed on his breaks, skidded, and missed the other car's back end by just inches!

Here's what happened next. The driver of the OTHER car, the guy who almost caused a big accident, whipped his head around and he started yelling obscenities at US. Now, here's what blew me away. My taxi driver just smiled and waved at the guy. And I mean he was friendly. So, I said, "Why did you just do that??? This guy almost ruined your car and sent us to the hospital!" And this is when my taxi driver told me what I now call, "The Law of the Garbage Truck."

Many people are like garbage trucks. They run around full of garbage, full of frustration, full of anger, and full of disappointment. As their garbage piles up, they need a place to dump it. And if you let them, they'll dump it on you. When someone wants to dump on you, don't take it personally. Just smile, wave, wish them well, and move on. You'll be happy you did. I guarantee it.

So this was it: The "Law of the Garbage Truck." I started thinking, how often do I let Garbage Trucks run right over me? And how often do I take their garbage and spread it to other people: at work, at home, on the streets?

It was that day I said, "I'm not going to do it anymore." I began to see garbage trucks. Like in the movie "The Sixth Sense," the little boy said, "I see Dead People." Well, now "I see Garbage Trucks." I see the load they're carrying. I see them coming to drop it off. And like my Taxi Driver, I don't make it a personal thing; I just smile, wave, wish them well, and I move on.

One of my favorite football players of all time, Walter Payton, did this every day on the football field. He would jump up as quickly as he hit the ground after being tackled. He never dwelled on a hit. Payton was ready to make the next play his best. Good leaders know they have to be ready for their next meeting. Good parents know that they have to welcome their children home from school with hugs and kisses. Leaders and parents know that they have to be fully present, and at their best for the people they care about.

The bottom line is that successful people do not let Garbage Trucks take over their day. What about you? What would happen in your life, starting today, if you let more garbage trucks pass you by?

Here's my bet. You'll be happier. In fact, I guarantee it.



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Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch.
Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.

In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.

Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, 'When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.'

The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it.

The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less.

After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.
She walks into the telegraph office, and says, 'I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch.

I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.'

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, it will cost 99 cents a word.

Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, 'I want you to send her the word 'comfortable.'

The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word
'comfortable?'

The brunette explains, 'My sister's blonde. The word is big.

She'll read it very slowly.... 'com-for-da-bul.'



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Do you know your HYMNS?

Dentist's Hymn...................Crown Him with Many Crowns
Weatherman's Hymn...There Shall Be Showers of Blessings
Contractor's Hymn................The Church's One Foundation
The Tailor's Hymn......................Holy, Holy, Holy
The Golfer's Hymn.............There's a Green Hill Far Away
The Politician's Hymn...............Standing on the Promises
Optometrist's Hymn..........Open My Eyes That I Might See
The IRS Agent's Hymn..................I Surrender All
The Gossip's Hymn.....................Pass It On
The Electrician's Hymn...................Send The Light
The Shopper's Hymn....................Sweet Bye and By
The Realtor's Hymn. . . . . . I've Got a Mansion Just over the Hilltop
The Massage Therapists Hymn . . . ......He Touched Me
The Doctor's Hymn.......................The Great Physician
AND for those who speed on the highway - a few hymns:
45mph....................God Will Take Care of You
65mph....................Nearer My God To Thee
85mph....................This World Is Not My Home
95mph....................Lord, I'm Coming Home
100mph.... ........ ....Precious Memories




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NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS YOU CAN KEEP

Are you sick of making the same resolutions year after year that you never keep? Why not promise to do something you can ACTUALLY accomplish?

Here are some resolutions that you can use as a starting point:

~ Gain weight. At least 30 pounds.
~ Stop exercising. Waste of time.
~ Read less. Makes you think.
~ Watch more TV. I've been missing some good stuff.
~ Procrastinate more. Starting tomorrow.
~ Spend more time at work, surfing the web.
~ Take a vacation to someplace important, like to see the world's largest ball of twine.
~ Don't jump off a cliff just because everyone else did.
~ Stop bringing lunch from home--eat out more.
~ Don't have eight children at once.
~ Get in a whole NEW rut!
~ Start being superstitious.
~ Personal goal: Don't bring back disco.
~ Don't ride in a car driven by Britney Spears.
~ Speak in a monotone voice and only use monosyllabic words.
~ Only wear jeans that are 2 sizes too small and use a chain or rope for a belt.
~ Spend my summer vacation in cyberspace.
~ Create loose ends.
~ Get more toys.
~ Get further in debt.
~ Don't believe politicians.
~ Break at least one traffic law.
~ Don't drive a motorized vehicle across thin ice.
~ Don't swim with piranhas or sharks.
~ Spread out priorities beyond the ability to keep track of them.
~ Wait for opportunity to knock.
~ Focus on the faults of others.
~ Mope about faults.
~ Never make New Year's resolutions again.



**************
Last night, my friend and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her,
"I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and
fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."


So she got up, unplugged the TV, and threw out my soda.
**********************


A true story :

One day I was having breakfast with my daughter, who was about 8 years old
at the time. I had done what any good dad would do, I fixed her a bowl of
cereal. I even poured the milk into the bowl myself.
We were having some great conversation during our mealtime, when my daughter
got up from the table with her bowl. When I asked her what she was doing,
she told me that she was going to throw her "cereal milk" away.

Now having been well educated on how cereals are sprayed with vitamins and
also how that vitamin spray often gets "washed off" of the cereal, I
cautioned her about her pending blunder. I said, "Kati, I can't believe
that you're going to throw your cereal milk away. That's my favorite part."
She had a pondering look on her face for a moment, then proceeded to drink
most of the milk. 'Mission accomplished,' I thought to myself. 'I really am
an amazing dad!'

Fast forward a few weeks to Father's Day morning. As we sat down to eat
breakfast as a family, I could tell something was up. Everyone was
obviously in on this grand Father's Day surprise but me. I didn't mind
because I knew that whatever surprise was awaiting me, it would be amazing.
After about 10 minutes of giggles and some secret language that everyone
understood except me, a pint-sized plastic bottle was placed on the table in
front of me. I stopped eating a very delicious breakfast to see if I could
solve this little mystery that had everyone so giddy.

As I picked up the container, I spun it around to see if there was a label
or a note. nothing. So finally I asked, "What is it?". Kati said, "Dad,
it's your favorite!"

Hmm, I thought to myself. What is my "favorite"?

Finally stumped, I asked her, "Kati, what is my favorite?"

She said, "Dad, you told me that cereal milk was your favorite so I've been
saving mine for you all week and mom helped me put it in this bottle!"

In disbelief, I looked at my wife. She grinned and nodded in confirmation.

Not quite sure how to handle this situation, I paused to consider my
options. Then did what I knew I must do. I picked it up, unscrewed the lid
and took a good long drink.

Of course I told Kati that this was the BEST cereal milk I had ever enjoyed
and a Fathers Day I would not soon forget. Then she made me promise to
enjoy ALL of it later.

And, of course, I did.

Now that she's 14 years old, we have laughed about that day many, many
times!



INCREDIBLE..... AND VERY VERY GOOOOOOOOD

THIS is fascinating - it's rather dazzling to see
it presented this way.
(click on photo to enlarge)










ANTARES IS THE 15 TH BRIGHTEST STAR IN THE SKY ..

IT IS MORE THAN 1000 LIGHT YEARS AWAY.

NOW HOW BIG ARE YOU?

HUMBLING,

ISN'T IT?



And yet, Someone

knows how many hairs are on your head, and not

even a single sparrow dies apart from His

will (Mt. 10:29-31)!

NOW

HOW BIG ARE YOU?

AND HOW BIG ARE THE THINGS

THAT UPSET YOU TODAY?

AND

HOW BIG IS YOUR GOD?


KEEP LIFE IN

PERSPECTIVE.


AND DON'T SWEAT THE SMALL STUFF!

IT'S ALL UNDER CONTROL (Job 38)

STILL SOME SAY THERE IS NOT A GOD!


*************************************
Corn Maze for Blondes



***************************************
IN MEMORY OF

Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of
celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs.
Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker,
the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was
piled high with flours.

Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described
Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded.
Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life
was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart
cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite
being a little flaky at times, he still was a crusty old man and
was considered a positive roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, three children:
John Dough, Jane Dough and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in
the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

If this made you smile for even a brief second, please rise to
the occasion and take time to pass it on and share that smile
with someone else that may be having a crumby day and kneads a lift.
********************************************
This is neat

God left us great clues as to what foods help what part of our body! God's Pharmacy! Amazing! A sliced Carrot looks like the human eye. The pupil, iris and radiating lines look just like the human eye... and YES, science now shows carrots greatly enhance blood flow to and function of the eyes. A Tomato has four chambers and is red. The heart has four chambers and is red. All of the research shows tomatoes are loaded with lycopine and are indeed pure heart and blood food. Grapes hang in a cluster that has the shape of the heart. Each grape looks like a blood cell and all of the research today shows grapes are also profound heart and blood vitalizing food. A Walnut looks like a little brain, a left and right hemisphere, upper cerebrums and lower cerebellums. Even the wrinkles or folds on the nut are just like the neo-cortex. We now know walnuts help develop more than three (3) dozen neuron-transmitters for brain function. Kidney Beans actually heal and help maintain kidney function and yes, they look exactly like the human kidneys.. Celery, Bok Choy, Rhubarb and many more look just like bones. These foods specifically target bone strength. Bones are 23% calcium and these foods are 23% calcium. If you don't have enough calcium in your diet, the body pulls it from the bones, thus making them weak. These foods replenish the skeletal needs of the body. Avocadoes, Eggplant and Pears target the health and function of the womb and cervix of the female - they look just like these organs. Today's research shows that when a woman eats one avocado a week, it balances hormones, sheds unwanted birth weight, and prevents cervical cancers. And how profound is this? It takes exactly nine (9) months to grow an avocado from blossom to ripened fruit. There are over 14,000 photolytic chemical constituents of nutrition in each one of these foods (modern science has only studied and named about 141 of them). Figs are full of seeds and hang in twos when they grow. Figs increase the mobility of male sperm and increase the numbers of Sperm as well to overcome male sterility. Sweet Potatoes look like the pancreas and actually balance the glycemic index of diabetics. Olives assist the health and function of the ovaries. Oranges, Grapefruits, and other Citrus fruits look just like the mammary glands of the female and actually assist the health of the breasts and the movement of lymph in and out of the breasts. Onions look like the body's cells. Today's research shows onions help clear waste materials from all of the body cells. They even produce tears which wash the epithelial layers of the eyes. A working companion, Garlic, also helps eliminate waste materials and dangerous free radicals from the body.

********************************************
Two rules for life:
#1. Don't tell people everything you know.
#2.

****************************************

Beauty of Math
1 x 8 + 1 = 9
12 x 8 + 2 = 98
123 x 8 + 3 = 987
1234 x 8 + 4 = 9876
12345 x 8 + 5 = 98765
123456 x 8 + 6 = 987654
1234567 x 8 + 7 = 9876543
12345678 x 8 + 8 = 98765432
123456789 x 8 + 9 = 987654321

1 x 9 + 2 = 11
12 x 9 + 3 = 111
123 x 9 + 4 = 1111
1234 x 9 + 5 = 11111
12345 x 9 + 6 = 111111
123456 x 9 + 7 = 111111
1234567 x 9 + 8 = 11111111
12345678 x 9 + 9 = 111111111
123456789 x 9 +10= 1111111111

9 x 9 + 7 = 88
98 x 9 + 6 = 888
987 x 9 + 5 = 8888
9876 x 9 + 4 = 88888
98765 x 9 + 3 = 888888
987654 x 9 + 2 = 8888888
9876543 x 9 + 1 = 88888888
98765432 x 9 + 0 = 888888888

Brilliant, isn't it? And look at this symmetry:

1 x 1 = 1
11 x 11 = 121
111 x 111 = 12321
1111 x 1111 = 123 4321
11111 x 11111 = 123454321
111111 x 111111 = 12345654321
1111111 x 1111111 = 1234567654321
11111111 x 11111111 = 123456787654321
111111111 x 111111111=12345678987654321

Now, take a look at this... 101%
From a strictly mathematical viewpoint: What Equals 100%?
What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about
those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have
all been in situations where someone wants you to GIVE OVER 100%.
How about ACHIEVING 101%? What equals 100% in life?
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help answer these Questions:

If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z Is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

If: H-A-R-D-W-O- R- K 8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98% And:

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E 11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96% But:

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E 1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100% THEN,

look how far the love of God will take you:

L-O-V-E-O-F-G-O-D 12+15+22+5+15+6+7+15+4 = 101%

Therefore, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that:

While Hard Work and Knowledge will get you close,

and Attitude will Get you there,

It's the Love of God that will put you over the top!

********************************************************

NEED TO DROP A LB. OR TWO; HERE'S A NEW DIET?

Yesterday I was buying a large bag of Purina dog chow
for Athena the wonder dog at Wal-Mart and was about to
check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On
impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, and
that I was starting the Purina Diet again. Although I
probably shouldn't, because I'd ended up in the hospital
last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened
in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most
of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and
that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets
with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time
you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete
so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the
line was by now enthralled with my story.) Horrified,
she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the
dog food poisoned me.

I told her no; I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish
Setter and a car hit us both. I thought the guy behind
her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing
so hard!

WALMART WON'T let me shop there anymore!!!

************************************************
The Rich Family In Church

By Eddie Ogan

I'll never forget Easter 1946. I was 14, my little sister Ocy
was 12,and my older sister Darlene 16. We lived at home with
our mother, and the four of us knew what it was to do without
many things.

My dad had died five years before, leaving Mom with seven
school kids to raise and no money. By 1946 my older sisters
were married and my brothers had left home.

A month before Easter the pastor of our church announced
that a special Easter offering would be taken to help a poor
family. He asked everyone to save and give sacrificially.
When we got home, we talked about what we could do. We
decided to buy 50 pounds of potatoes and live on them for a
month. This would allow us to save $20 of our grocery money
for the offering. Then we thought that if we kept our electric
lights turned out as much as possible and didn't listen to the
radio, we'd save money on that month's electric bill.

Darlene got as many house and yard cleaning jobs as possible,
and both of us babysat for everyone we could. For 15 cents we
could buy enough cotton loops to make three pot holders to
sell for $1. We made $20 on pot holders.

That month was one of the best of our lives. Every day we
counted the money to see how much we had saved. At night we'd
sit in the dark and talk about how the poor family was going
to enjoy having the money the church would give them. We had
about 80 people in church, so figured that whatever amount of
money we had to give, the offering would surely be 20 times
that much. After all, every Sunday the pastor had reminded
everyone to save for the sacrificial offering.

The day before Easter, Ocy and I walked to the grocery store
and got the manager to give us three crisp $20 bills and one
$10 bill for all our change. We ran all the way home to show
Mom and Darlene. We had never had so much money before.

That night we were so excited we could hardly sleep. We didn't
care that we wouldn't have new clothes for Easter; we had $70
for the sacrificial offering. We could hardly wait to get to
church! On Sunday morning, rain was pouring. We didn't own an
umbrella, and the church was over a mile from our home, but it
didn't seem to matter how wet we got. Darlene had cardboard in
her shoes to fill the holes. The cardboard came apart, and her
feet got wet. But we sat in church proudly.

I heard some teenagers talking about the Smith girls having on
their old dresses. I looked at them in their new clothes, and I
felt rich. When the sacrificial offering was taken, we were
sitting on the second row from the front. Mom put in the $10
bill, and each of us kids put in a $20.

As we walked home after church, we sang all the way. At lunch
Mom had a surprise for us. She had bought a dozen eggs, and we
had boiled Easter eggs with our fried potatoes!

Late that afternoon the minister drove up in his car. Mom went
to the door, talked with him for a moment, and then came back
with an envelope in her hand. We asked what it was, but she
didn't say a word. She opened the envelope and out fell a bunch
of money. There were three crisp $20 bills, one $10 and seventeen
$1 bills. Mom put the money back in the envelope. We didn't talk,
just sat and stared at the floor. We had gone from feeling like
millionaires to feeling like poor white trash.

We kids had such a happy life that we felt sorry for anyone who
didn't have our Mom and Dad for parents and a house full of brothers
and sisters and other kids visiting constantly. We thought it was fun
to share silverware and see whether we got the spoon or the fork that
night. We had two knifes that we passed around to whoever needed them.
I knew we didn't have a lot of things that other people had, but I'd
never thought we were poor. That Easter day I found out we were. The
minister had brought us the money for the poor family, so we must be
poor. I didn't like being poor.

I looked at my dress and worn-out shoes and felt so ashamed-I didn't
even want to go back to church. Everyone there probably already knew
we were poor! I thought about school. I was in the ninth grade and
at the top of my class of over 100 students. I wondered if the kids
at school knew that we were poor. I decided that I could quit school
since I had finished the eighth grade. That was all the law required
at that time. We sat in silence for a long time. Then it got dark,
and we went to bed.

All that week, we girls went to school and came home, and no one talked
much. Finally on Saturday, Mom asked us what we wanted to do with the
money. What did poor people do with money? We didn't know. We'd never
known we were poor. We didn't want to go to church on Sunday, but Mom
said we had to. Although it was a sunny day, we didn't talk on the way.
Mom started to sing, but no one joined in and she only sang one verse.

At church we had a missionary speaker. He talked about how churches in
Africa made buildings out of sun dried bricks, but they needed money
to buy roofs. He said $100 would put a roof on a church. The minister
said, "Can't we all sacrifice to help these poor people?" We looked
at each other and smiled for the first time in a week. Mom reached
into her purse and pulled out the envelope. She passed it to Darlene.
Darlene gave it to me, and I handed it to Ocy. Ocy put it in the
offering.

When the offering was counted, the minister announced that it was a
little over $100. The missionary was excited. He hadn't expected such
a large offering from our small church. He said, "You must have some
rich people in this church." Suddenly it struck us! We had given $87
of that "little over $100." We were the rich family in the church!
Hadn't the missionary said so? From that day on I've never been poor
again. I've always remembered how rich I am because I have Jesus!
***********************************
THE OIL SHORTAGE

A lot of folks can't understand how we came to have an oil
shortage here in America.. ~~~ Well, there's a very simple
answer. ~~~ Nobody bothered to check the oil. ~~~ We just
didn't know we were getting low. ~~~ The reason for that
is purely geographical. ~~~ Our OIL is located in ~~~ Alaska
~~~ California ~~~ Oklahoma and TEXAS ~~~ ~~~ Our DIPSTICKS
are located in Washington DC
**************************
THE WHITE LIE CAKE

Alice was to bake a cake for the Baptist Church Ladies' Group
in Tuscaloosa, but forgot to do it until the last minute. She
remembered the morning of the bake sale and, after rummaging
through cabinets, found an angel food cake mix & quickly
made it while drying her hair, dressing, and helping her son
pack for Scout camp.

When Alice took the cake from the oven, the center had dropped
flat and the cake was horribly disfigured. She thought, "Oh dear,
there is not time to bake another cake."

This cake was important to Alice because she did so want to fit
in at her new church and in her new community of friends. So,
being inventive, she looked around the house for something to
build up the center of the cake.

Alice found it in the bathroom - a roll of toilet paper. She
plunked it in and covered it with icing. Not only did the
finished product look beautiful, it looked perfect. Before
she left the house to drop the cake by the church and head
for work, Alice woke her daughter Amanda and gave her some
money and specific instructions to be at the bake sale the
moment it opened at 9:30 and to buy the cake and bring it home.

When Amanda arrived at the sale, she found the attractive,
perfect cake had already been sold. She grabbed her cell
phone and called her mom. Alice was horrified - she was
beside herself. Everyone would know! What would they think?
She would be ostracized, talked about, and ridiculed!

All night, Alice lay awake in bed thinking about people
pointing fingers at her and talking about her behind her
back. The next day, Alice promised herself she would try
not to think about the cake and would attend the fancy
luncheon/bridal shower at the home of a fellow church
member and try to have a good time.

Alice did not want to attend because the hostess was a
snob who more than once had looked down her nose at Alice
because she was a single parent and not from the founding
families of her city but, having already RSVP'd, she
couldn't think of a believable excuse to stay home.

The meal was elegant, the company was definitely upper
crust and, to Alice 's horror, the cake in question was
presented for dessert! Alice felt the blood drain from
her body when she saw the cake! She started out of her
chair to tell the hostess all about it, but before she
could get to her feet, the Mayor's wife said, "What a
beautiful cake!"

Alice still stunned, sat back in her chair when she heard
the hostess (who was also a prominent church member) say,
"Thank you. I baked it myself." Alice smiled and thought
to herself, "God is good."

************************************************
A Blonde is watching the news with her
husband when the newscaster says, 'Six Brazilian men die
in a skydiving accident.

'The blonde starts crying to her husband, sobbing
'That's horrible.'

Confused, her husband says, 'Yes dear, it is sad,
but they were skydiving, and there is that risk
involved.'

After a moment, the blonde, still sobbing, asks,
'How many is a Brazilian?'

**************************************
Two old friends met one day after
many years. One attended college, and now was very
successful. The other had not attended college and
never had much ambition. The successful one said,
"How has everything been going with you?"

"Well, one day I opened the Bible at random, and
dropped my finger on a word and it was oil. So,
I invested in oil, and boy, did the oil wells gush.
"Then another day I dropped my finger on another
word and it was gold. So, I invested in gold
and those mines really produced. Now, I'm as rich as
Rockefeller."

The successful friend was so impressed that he
rushed to his hotel, grabbed a Gideon Bible, flipped
it open, and dropped his finger on a page. He opened
his eyes and his finger rested on the words, "Chapter
Eleven!"

**************************************************
A woman's husband died. He had $20,000
to his name. After paying all the funeral expenses, she
told her closest friend that there was no money left.

The friend asked, "How can that be? You told me he had
$20,000 a few days before he died. How could you be
broke?"

The widow replied, "Well, the funeral cost me $6,500.
And of course, I had to make the obligatory donation
to the church, pay the organist and all.That was $500,
and I spent another $500 for the wake, the food and
drinks, you know. The rest went for the memorial stone."

The friend asked, "$12,500 for the memorial stone? My Gosh, how
big was it?"

The widow replied, "Three carats."

*****************************************
A lady went into an antique store to buy an
antique tea-cup. Spotting an exceptional cup, she asked "May I
see that? I've never seen a cup quite so beautiful."

As she examined it the tea-cup spoke: "You don't understand"
It said, "I have not always been a tea-cup. There was a time
when I was just a lump of red clay. My master took me and rolled
me, pounded and patted me over and over and I yelled out, "Don't
do that. I don't like it! Let me alone," but he only smiled, and
gently said; "Not yet!!" "Then, WHAM! I was placed on a spinning
wheel and suddenly I was spun around and around and around.

'Stop it ! I'm getting so dizzy! I'm going to be sick!',
I screamed. But the master only nodded and said, quietly;
'Not yet.' He spun me and poked and prodded and bent me out
of shape to suit himself and then . . .

Then he put me in the oven. I never felt such heat. I
yelled and knocked and pounded at the door. " Help! Get
me out of here!" I could see him through the opening and
I could read his lips as he shook his head from side to
side, 'Not yet'.

"When I thought I couldn't bear it another minute, the
door opened. He carefully took me out and put me on the
shelf, and I began to cool. Oh, that felt so good! "Ah,
this is much better," I thought. But, after I cooled he
picked me up and he brushed and painted me all over.
The fumes were horrible. I thought I would gag. 'Oh,
please; Stop it, Stop it!!' I cried. He only shook his
head and said. 'Not yet!'.

Then suddenly he put me back in to the oven. Only it
was not like the first one. This was twice as hot and
I just knew I would suffocate. I begged. I pleaded. I
screamed. I cried. I was convinced I would never make it.
I was ready to give up. Just then the door opened and he
took me out and again placed me on the shelf, where I
cooled and waited --- and waited, wondering "What's he
going to do to me next?"

An hour later he handed me a mirror and said 'Look at
yourself.' And I did. I said, "That's not me; that couldn't
be me. It's beautiful. I'm beautiful!"

Quietly he spoke: "I want you to remember, then," he said,
"I know it hurt to be rolled and pounded and patted, but had
I just left you alone, you'd have dried up. I know it made
you dizzy to spin around on the wheel, but if I had stopped,
you would have crumbled. I know it hurt and it was hot and
disagreeable in the oven, but if I hadn't put you there,
you would have cracked. I know the fumes were bad when I
brushed and painted you all over, but if I hadn't done that,
you never would have hardened. You would not have had any color
in your life. If I hadn't put you back in that second oven, you
wouldn't have survived for long because the hardness would not
have held. Now you are a finished product. Now you are what I had
in mind when I first began with you."

The moral of this story is this: God knows what He's doing for
each of us. He is the potter, and we are His clay. He will mold
us and make us, and expose us to just enough pressures of just
the right kinds that we may be made into a flawless piece of work
to fulfill His good, pleasing and perfect will.

So when life seems hard, and you are being pounded and patted
and pushed almost beyond endurance; when your world seems to
be spinning out of control; when you feel like you are in a
fiery furnace of trials; when life seems to "stink," try
this . . . Brew a cup of your favorite tea in your prettiest
tea cup, sit down and think on this story and then, have a
little talk with the Potter.
***********************************
I'm My Own Grandpa
Written by Dwight Latham & Moe Jaffe (1947)

Many many years ago, when I was twenty-three,
I was married to a widow as pretty as can be,
This widow had a grown-up daughter who had hair of red,
My father fell in love with her and soon the two were wed.

I'm my own grandpa, I'm my own grandpa.
It sounds funny, I know, but it really is so
-- I'm my own grandpa.

This made my dad my son-in-law and changed my very life,
For my daughter was my mother, for she was my father's wife.
To complicate the matter, even though it brought me joy,
I soon became the father of a bouncing baby boy.

My little baby thus became a brother-in-law to dad,
And so became my uncle, though it made me very sad,
For if he was my uncle then that also made him brother
To the widow's grown-up daughter, who of course was my step-mother.

I'm my own grandpa, I'm my own grandpa.
It sounds funny, I know, but it really is so
-- I'm my own grandpa.

Father's wife then had a son who kept them on the run.
And he became my grandchild for he was my daughter's son.
My wife is now my mother's mother and it makes me blue,
Because although she is my wife, she's my grandmother, too.

Oh, if my wife's my grandmother then I am her grandchild.
And every time I think of it it nearly drives me wild.
For now I have become the strangest case you ever saw --
As the husband of my grandmother, I am my own grandpa.

I'm my own grandpa, I'm my own grandpa.
It sounds funny, I know, but it really is so
-- I'm my own grandpa.

******************************
"Senior's Ode to Medication"

A row of bottles on my shelf
caused me to analyze myself.
One yellow pill I have to pop
Goes to my heart so it won't stop.
A little white one that I take
goes to my hands so they won't shake.
The blue ones that I use a lot
tell me I'm happy when I'm not.
The purple pill goes to my brain
and tells me that I have no pain.
The capsules tell me not to wheeze
or cough or choke or even sneeze.
The red ones, smallest of them all
Go to my blood so I won't fall.
The orange ones, very big and bright
prevent my leg cramps in the night.
Such an array of brilliant pills,
helping to cure all kinds of ills.
But what I'd really like to know...........
Is what tells each one where to go!

*****************************
The Pope is visiting Washington, D.C., and
President Bush takes him out for an afternoon on the Potomac,
sailing on the Presidential yacht, the Sequoia. They're admiring
the sights when, all of a sudden, the Pope's hat (zucchetto)
blows off his head and out into the water.

Secret Service guys start to launch a boat, but president Bush
waves them off, saying, "Wait, wait. I'll take care of this.
Don't worry." Bush then steps off the yacht onto the surface
of the water and walks out to the Holy Father's little hat,
bends over picks it up, then walks back to the yacht and climbs
aboard.

He hands the hat to the Pope amid stunned silence. The very
next morning, the headlines in the New York Times, Boston Globe,
Atlanta Constitution, Washington Post, Boston Herald, Buffalo News,
Houston Chronicle, Los Angeles Times, Milwaukee Sentinel- Journal,
Minneapolis Tribune, Denver Post, Albuquerque Journal, and San
Francisco Chronicle all proclaim:

"BUSH CAN'T SWIM"

************************************************
There once was a rich man who was near death.
He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money
and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he
began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth
with him.

An angel hears his plea and appears to him, "Sorry, but you
can't take your wealth with you." The man implores the angel to
speak to God to see if He might bend the rules. The man continues
to pray that his wealth could follow him. The angel reappears
and informs the man that God has decided to allow him to take
one suitcase with him.

Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it
with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed. Soon afterward
the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St.
Peter. Seeing the suitcase Peter says, "Hold on, you can't bring
that in here!"

But the man explains to him that he has permission and asks him
to verify his story with the Lord. Sure enough,. Peter checks
and comes back saying, "You're right. You are allowed one
carry-on bag, but I'm supposed to check its contents before
letting it through." Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the
worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and
exclaims, "You brought pavement?!?!" (
Revelation 21:21 - http://tinyurl.com/28792y)

************************************************
Blonde Antelope




The Italian Tomato Garden
An Italian man lived alone in New Jersey . He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard..

His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The father wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,

I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.

Love, Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Pop,

Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried..

Love, Vinnie


At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.

That same day the father received another letter from his son.

Dear Pop,

Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now.

That's the best I could do under the circumstances.

I love you, Vinnie